Being Mindful doesn’t mean you won’t ever show your a**
I just got irritated with a 1-800 customer service rep. That type of experience drives me crazy.
I can’t stand the automated lady asking me millions of questions. I can’t stand the scripted way the actual person talks to me. I just dislike the whole thing.
Sometimes I get frustrated & I react to it.
I’m sure I would cringe in embarrassment listening to a replay of today’s phone call.
I know better. I know how to be mindful in a situation like that.
I know how to be aware of the irritation rising up in me, to notice my thoughts, feelings & tension in my body.
I know how to take a pause & consciously respond instead of emotionally react.
I just don’t always do it.
Sometimes I go with my irritation, or an even a more intense reaction, & I show my a**.
(The urban dictionary says this is to act like a complete idiot, an a**hole, embarrassing in public)
Anytime I’m emotionally reactive, in a minor or major way, I feel terrible about it.
It’s been my lifelong pattern to beat myself up mercilessly & endlessly when I do anything that isn’t the ‘right thing to do’.
I began practicing mindfulness to heal the trauma that’s behind my reactive & self-loathing actions.
With this goal in mind, my practice naturally began as a means to accomplish something.
Learning to respond vs reacting is important to achieving this goal of healing.
I thought that if I could figure that out, if I could never be reactive, never show my a**, if I could do everything ‘right’, then I won’t ever feel bad about myself.
When I couldn’t do that, not being ‘mindfully responsive’ became another reason to beat myself up.
It took me a few years to realize this & see that I was approaching mindfulness as a means to an end, instead of as the continual practice & unfolding process that it is.
I was also missing one of the most vital parts of any mindfulness practice, or in my opinion, life.
Compassion for yourself & others is one of the most important choices you can make.
This is what allows you to accept & forgive yourself for your mistakes & your flaws.
It also allows you to do that for others.
Compassion helps you to be emotionally present & accept what is.
When you have empathy for yourself and for others there are less situations to ruminate over or worry about.
Self-compassion used to be a foreign concept to me.
Until recently I didn’t know what it felt like & I didn’t know how to give it to myself.
I thought that I only deserved compassion if someone else gave it to me first.
I couldn’t accept myself when I wasn’t my best, if others didn’t accept or understand me.
When I saw my lack of self-compassion, I realized how deeply it was impacting my life.
I made a conscious decision to cultivate it within me.
The first time I truly felt it, a whole new aspect of life was revealed to me.
I realized how completely free & capable I am to be on my own side now matter what.
I don’t know if I’m ever going to get to a point where I never show my a** again.
But I think I will get to a place where my self-compassion will make it ok if I do.
xoxo ~ Katie
p.s. Have you been compassionate to yourself today? Try to say a few kind, accepting, caring words to yourself before you go to sleep tonight. Begin to groove the habit of self-compassion.