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Being Mindful doesn’t mean you won’t ever show your a**

  |   Mind Your Focus

 

I just got irritated with a 1-800 customer service rep. That type of experience drives me crazy.

 

I can’t stand the automated lady asking me millions of questions. I can’t stand the scripted way the actual person talks to me. I just dislike the whole thing.

 

Sometimes I get frustrated & I react to it.

 

I’m sure I would cringe in embarrassment listening to a replay of today’s phone call.

 

I know better. I know how to be mindful in a situation like that.

 

I know how to be aware of the irritation rising up in me, to notice my thoughts, feelings & tension in my body.

 

I know how to take a pause & consciously respond instead of emotionally react.

 

I just don’t always do it.

 

Sometimes I go with my irritation, or an even a more intense reaction, & I show my a**.

 

(The urban dictionary says this is to act like a complete idiot, an a**hole, embarrassing in public)

 

Anytime I’m emotionally reactive, in a minor or major way, I feel terrible about it.

 

It’s been my lifelong pattern to beat myself up mercilessly & endlessly when I do anything that isn’t the ‘right thing to do’.

 

I began practicing mindfulness to heal the trauma that’s behind my reactive & self-loathing actions.

 

With this goal in mind, my practice naturally began as a means to accomplish something.

 

Learning to respond vs reacting is important to achieving this goal of healing.

 

I thought that if I could figure that out, if I could never be reactive, never show my a**, if I could do everything ‘right’, then I won’t ever feel bad about myself.

 

When I couldn’t do that, not being ‘mindfully responsive’ became another reason to beat myself up.

 

It took me a few years to realize this & see that I was approaching mindfulness as a means to an end, instead of as the continual practice & unfolding process that it is.

 

I was also missing one of the most vital parts of any mindfulness practice, or in my opinion, life.

 

Self-Compassion.

 

Compassion for yourself & others is one of the most important choices you can make.

 

This is what allows you to accept & forgive yourself for your mistakes & your flaws.

 

It also allows you to do that for others.

 

Compassion helps you to be emotionally present & accept what is.

 

When you have empathy for yourself and for others there are less situations to ruminate over or worry about.

 

Self-compassion used to be a foreign concept to me.

 

Until recently I didn’t know what it felt like & I didn’t know how to give it to myself.

 

I thought that I only deserved compassion if someone else gave it to me first.

 

I couldn’t accept myself when I wasn’t my best, if others didn’t accept or understand me.

 

When I saw my lack of self-compassion, I realized how deeply it was impacting my life.

 

I made a conscious decision to cultivate it within me.

 

The first time I truly felt it, a whole new aspect of life was revealed to me.

 

I realized how completely free & capable I am to be on my own side now matter what.

 

I don’t know if I’m ever going to get to a point where I never show my a** again.

 

But I think I will get to a place where my self-compassion will make it ok if I do.

 

xoxo ~ Katie

 

p.s. Have you been compassionate to yourself today? Try to say a few kind, accepting, caring words to yourself before you go to sleep tonight. Begin to groove the habit of self-compassion.